Quotes by Woody Allen
The following are quotes from Woody Allen:
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size
I am at two with nature.
I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, and receives new truth as an angel from Heaven.
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
If only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Should I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman
Thought Why does man kill He kills for food. And not only food frequently there must be a beverage.
To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
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